Auction Food!

How bout dat! Auction food, its either the best, or worst, absolutely no in between. As an auctioneer my main goal is to get it for free. Unfortunately it does not always work out so well. So today we are talking about George.

Several years back I ran my own auction house. We tried to keep it simple, stuff for sale, easy parking, nice location and simple foods. My auction house actually had none of these. The stuff for sale was usually junk, the parking needed a security guard (we will tell the story about him in a later article), outside of the man being chased by the police while carrying a fully automatic AK47 the location was OK (another story for later) and the food.

You would have thought that Graham Kerr himself was the cook. Hot dogs, hot ssssaussauge nacho chips, soda, and some other stuff. George was our galloping gourmet. First, lets describe George. Relatively demure in stature (pot belly, stained shirt and with just a hint of alcohol) George was the epitome of an auction cook. His thinning (greasy) and receding (with some obvious scalp disease) hairline accented his well groomed (unevenly unshaven) rugged looks. His jawline was accented by a gleaming (toothless) perfect (green) smile. He wore only the finest (Goodwill) clothing. A slight but distinct speech impediment that involved the prolonged usage of the letter S completessssss thissssss dessssscripssssssion.

George came with a girlfriend named Kitty. Kitty was a benevolent type whose soft spoken manner was equal to her beloved George. Kitty would show up at each auction with an uplifting personality that could be best compared to Randel Patrick McMurphy. She could be manic, sane and serene, all at the same time. Her favorite topic, George. Kitty was always seeking advice (from anyone who would listen) about her love life. In particular she wanted someone, to explain to her why she was still with George. She would ask me, Stephanie, my children or anyone attending the auction to tell her about why she should stay. Since none of us could come up with a good reason we assumed it was because of his cooking.

His cooking was extraordinary. It was out of this world. It was without comparison. It was usually 3-4 weeks old. The food was usually brought in the night of the auction pre cooked. Now I am not really sure about where it was cooked, how it was cooked or when it was cooked. I do know that he tried to cook it. I know this because the hot dogs were always a nice charcoal color. Not the charcoal that would make you think of a nice rich black color, the charcoal that is actually charcoal. Over cooked to the point of turning to ash. The buns could not be steamed back to life. This seems to be somewhat of a contradiction since they obviously did contain life. The rich green and red spotting that was contained throughout the bottom of the bag made you think of rainbows and squirrels run over on the road.

The hot ssssausssagesss were without comparison. The only thing burnt worse that the hot dogs was the hot ssssaussagesss. The sssaussage came complete with pickled peppers and onions. The peppers and onions (still in some type of brine) were kept warm with the ssssaussage in some type of candle heated tray. We always made it a point to keep a fire extinguisher nearby just in case the candles ever became a problem. We also feared the the hot dogs and ssssaussagesss might reignite causing some type of Beverly Hills supper club incident that we really didn't want to be responsible for.

The nacho chips and cheese dip are another story that could stand on their own. The cheese was always hot. The chips always stale. This may have been caused by the storage methods employed upon completion of the auction. After the auction was completed the leftover cheese was was put with all of the other condiments into the sun filled oppressively hot storage room that we had provided to him. The open chip bag would always be set right next to the left over hot dogs so that forgetting to use them all up would be an impossible task. Some nights he would have specials. We still are not sure about what his specials really were but I suspect that it may have been the leftovers of the leftovers, mixed with some ketchup. Bona petite.

To top it all off they had a helper. Not hamburger helper like most auction food people use, but an assistant. When the helper showed up it his shirt would be partially tucked in shirt, with the tail protruding from his zipper, the standard greasy hair and a very distinct smell. This smell was one that if captured and bottled for sale as a perfume would have to include the words "boozncheapcigsnobath" in the title. A truly rare scent that can only be reproduced in the finest bridge trusses in the world.

Like I said earlier, auction food is either the best or worst with no in between. George was one of the best. Some day I'll tell you about the worst. For the time being keep on eating those weenies.

On Conducting an Auction

Part 4, Tempus Fugit

It already seems an eternity ago that this auction transaction started. Four weeks ago the first call, three weeks ago the first visit, two weeks ago the contract, one week ago the first meeting. I am sure that as quickly as last four weeks have passed, next three weeks leading up to the actual auction date will go even faster. Tempus Fugit.

The second trip that I made was a continuatin of the first. It was another day of sorting and preparing the auction ad, This trip I made by myself. Stephanie needed a break and this day would be a long monotonous one. After the initial excitement has worn off the work really begins and this day was going to be spent digging through mounds of just about anything.

Before leaving home I performed all of the madatory double checks to ensure that I had everything that I would need for the day; pens, paper, camera, boxes, flashlight, loop (magnifying eyeglass) and tags, I had them all. Feeling good about myself I hit the road. Since the long drive gives you a lot of time to think things through my plan was to review the steps necessary to complete the auction. My first major thought had nothing to do with the auction. I knew that something was wrong, but what could I have possibly forgotten? Then it hit me, I immediately turned around to go back home, it seems that I had forgotten my wallet and since OPEC keeps us on a short (and expensive) energy leash, going back home would have to be my first stop.

After the sidebar, once again, off I went. Upon arriving the search really began in earnest. For 9 straight hours, no lunch, no bathroom not even a drink of water, I worked. I looked in every single box, every drawer and every cobweb covered corner. I took over 100 photo's and filled 15 pages in a notebook. I detailed each item that I came across. Overkill? Maybe, but I firmly believe that it is my job to at least look at each item at least once before I sell it. The worst possible thing that I could do for my consignors is to be lazy and do incomplete work. It does not guarantee results, but it does guarantee that they will get the best effort that I have.

The amazing thing is I never realized how much time I had spent looking that day. In the early evening the owners looked at me and said "You know that you said you would be leaving over 2 hours ago.". Now I'm no genius but I can take a hint. Then the phone rang, "Where are you?", Stephanie asked. The second hint really hit home, which is where I should have been, so I packed my bags, said my goodbyes and into the sunset I went.

Tempus Fugit, time flies (flees) is a Latin term that is often engraved on grandfather clocks. Sometimes a little noticed an often misapplied term comes into play in life. As a kid growing up in Youngstown time seemed pass like a lazy river, as an adult it passes with a fury and as an auctioneer on this day it passed unnoticed.

Conducting an Auction

Part 3

Now the really hard work begins. For anyone out there who has ever tried to sort through a household, we salute you. The morning started around 9:30 am. The owners were waiting at the door for our arrival. After the typical good mornings, the question "So where do we start and what can we do to help?". Stephanie who had made the trip with me glanced over to hear what my answer would be. Of course she already knew what it was, "I don't know." was my response.

"I don't know." I am sure that this type of response is just what the consignors want to hear. I am going to work on my answers, but the reality is when you first go in to a home you really don't know where to start. I started with a 10 minute tour. After the tour, Stephanie and I decided to start with the guns, weapons and military items.

Nine hours it took. We had to find, describe, photograph, tag and sort every piece of military that we could find. We found items in closets, cabinets, drawers and boxes. Although the owners were able to help us in the search it was still a daunting task. Items that they thought were valuable, were not. Items that they thought were junk, were priceless. We took over 100 photo's. We wrote over 300 descriptions. We tagged 90 items.

After nine hours. The first room was done. Six rooms, a basement and garage were all that remained.

On Conducting an Auction

Part 2:

After making it through the initial contact it was now time to speak the the other party. I really don't like trying to make deals over the phone. Its mostly due to the fact that I just can't get a good read through peoples voices. I'm really a visual person. So, the telephone and I just are not the best of friends. But in this circumstance it was a necessity.

The conversation went well enough. Straight forward questions about the hows and whys of an auction. He voice reasonable concerns about the bidding process and even discussed putting reserves on some items. True to form, I had no clue as to whether or not I was still in the game. Now the waiting game really began. What would they do?

The answer was both quick and good. They wanted to meet again, all of us, to discuss dates for the auction. This one piece of good news does one thing and one thing only to an auctioneer anticipating a potential good sale, it makes them even more nervous than before. Everything switches from I hope I get it to "lets get it going!". Of course you cannot let this out so inside it stays until the most important day of all, signing the contract.

In the old days of auctioning, people met, agreed to terms, shook hands and held an auction. In Ohio, its not quite so simple anymore. When I first started selling even the written contracts were very simple. Sellers name, auctioneers name, date of the sale, percentages and signatures. Easy. Not anymore. My current contract is three pages long. It is filled with required statements such as who is responsible for unsold items and do you really, really intend on selling this stuff.

Explaining the contract and setting up the necessary grounds for preparing the auction took over 3 hours. Sounds silly doesn't it. The reality is that explaining all of the terms of the contract takes time. I really spend a lot of time making sure that they completely understand what is going to need to be done to conduct the auction. I don't know what other auctioneers do but if they aren't going through this phase, they are just asking for trouble.

Contract signed, set up planned, family advised, GAME ON!

On Conducting an Auction

The next few weeks I will be spending a great deal of my time preparing for a pretty significant antiques and collectibles auction. It will most likely in the end be one of the better auctions that I have had the opportunity to conduct. Over the years I have spent a lot of time just listening to what auction goers are saying before, during and after the sales. Usually the comments revolve around complaints about how the auctioneer called the auction, how disorganized the auction was or about how much money the auctioneer must be making.

So, what I am going to give you is an inside view of how it really works. The time, effort, headaches of putting an auction together. It will be at times a play by play view of what really happens, the rest of the time it will be an expose of my feelings about the sale.

Part I

The entire process begain inauspiciously enough with a simple phone call. A simple inquiry about me taking a look at some "estate items" that the family was no longer in need of. Through the conversation I prospected a little as to what I would be looking at. This is important because any auctioneer, picker or salesman will tell you that a lot of time is wasted on bad leads because they just didn't ask the right questions up front. I asked how they found me, "My cousin used to work for you", good answer. "What type of stuff?", "Lots of antiques, military and tools.". "Where is it located.", "Nice neighborhood."

There were of course many other questions but the quick analysis was..."Get out of bed you arrogant nut case this sounds like a good one.". So I scheduled a meeting. When I first told my wife that I would be traveling out of town for a day to look at an auction her reaction was pesimistic. We have things to do and your going to look at junk again was pretty much how it went. Don't judge to critically on this one because 98% of the time this is exactly what these trips turn into. But I just had a feeling.

So, the trip planned off I went. It is a one hour and forty five minute trip that I have made several hundred times over the last fourteen years. The approach to the house was intriguing. Although the home is a pretty typical ranch it just had the right look. What is the right look? I don't really know how to tell you, it just plain had it.

My first meeting in the driveway was both positive and pleasent. The family husband, wife and two kids seemed really nice. The kids were extremely well behaved and from the outset it was obvious that the kids (9 & 11) knew more about antiques that people who have been it this business for their entire lives. From the first glance into the living room I was in a state of antiques euphoria. The worst part of being in this as a business is trying to keep the "Oh my *%&king God, !@$tty grin" off of your face when you first see a fantastic collection like this one.

It was a antique afficianado's dream. Stuff piled everywhere. Walls hung with antiques that numbed the senses. Now I am sure that my voice crackeled, my ears turned red and my normally alto voice turned into a squeaky 5 year old girls voice. And this was just the living room.

As is my standard we conversed about the household and its former occupant. How he aquired the items, their relationships and the reason for the potential sale of the iems. We then went on a tour of the home. Kitchen...full of stuff. Bedrooms...full. Basement...really full. Garage...really really full. GULP!!

So we talked. We discussed all of the potential possibilities. Tag sale, auction and buyout. I strongly recommeded the auction route. This household was perfect for one. The owners listened intently and agreed. There was one problem, a second owner. Now anyone who has ever been in business knows that the most deflating thing that can happen to you in a transaction is the introduction of a second "unknown, unseen" person. They are often deal breakers. The family did tell me that they all wanted to finish up the household, so there was some ray of hope for me to still get the sale, but I was a little worried.

To my advantage a former employee had recommended me to the family, but you still just plain don't know. I remained hopeful as the waiting game began. We said our goodbyes and the family assured me that the third party would be contacting me soon. I left for the 1 1/2 drive home.

Painesville Auction

This is a very short update...we will be conducting a HUGE antiques and collectibles auction in Painesville, Ohio, on the weekend of May 20, 2011. This will be one of the best auctions that we have had in a long time. Keep an eye on www.dangerfieldauction.com for photos and updates. Plain and simple, its going to be a great two day sale.

Muddy Spring Day at the Auction

This morning when I woke up it was raining. Not a mild sprinkling rain, it wasn't even thunder storming, just rain. The kind of torrential rain that God has reserved to transform the landscape and to cleanse the world of evil. The rain was steady, hard, and constant. It was accompanied by a cold 20 mph wind that made umbrella's useless. A beautiful Ohio morning. Being the fool that I am, out into the deluge I went The quarry, a farm auction.

This was a typical Ohio farm auction. Old equipment, farm antiques, piles of junk and at least 10" of mud everywhere and on everything. Possessing an exceptionally high IQ I determined that tennis shoes, T-shirt and baseball cap was the best way to dress. It didn't work out so well for me. Cold, soaking wet and covered with mud my determination unfazed, I stayed at the auction for three hours.

Three hours of being tormented. Three hours of being poked with folded umbrellas. Three hours of being crushed between people who should all be finalists for Americans Biggest Loser's next season. So why did I stay?

Simple, it was a pretty good sale. I managed to purchase a 4 piece bedroom set, an early painted corner cabinet, an Atwater Kent radio and several small items that I can sell at the Antique Mall. Overall, it was a pretty good haul.

For all of you out there really paying attention, everyone goes to auctions on pretty sunshiny days, very few on crappy, muddy rainy days. So when the weather looks bad; get up, get out and be ready to buy.

Oh yea, it was a 1/2 mile walk through a muddy field to the parking area.